Cat Infestation I: Cabinet Cats

Lisa and Janet Hodgkins of Palmyra, New York thought they'd found a real deal when they picked up a two thousand square foot, four bedroom, two bath home with sunroom, covered patio, and storage shed for under sixty grand. As they were moving in, however, Lisa noticed something out of the corner of her eye. Something small and black that darted away quickly. At Janet's insistence, they called pest control, who broke the bad news.

“I don't know how to tell you this, ma'am,” he sad as he stared down at his feet. “I'm afraid you have a cat infestation. Probably the worst case I've seen. They're in the cabinets, behind the couch, under the tables and chairs and beds. Everywhere.”

“Are you sure?” Lisa asked, embarrassed. “Maybe it's not cats. Maybe it's just roaches. Maybe it's an old infestation. Maybe they're gone.”

“Sorry,” he said and pointed a flashlight at a bit of string in the back of a cupboard. “That there is fresh yarn. Not even frayed at the ends. No, you've got cats here and now.”

“Isn't there something we can do about it?” they asked. This was meant to be their dream home after all.

“I'm afraid not,” said the man. “I could spray, and that'll chase 'em off for a minute or two, but they'll just come right back. No, about the only thing to do about a cat infestation is to act like you want them around. It's the only way to get them to leave you alone.”

The devastated women cried into each others shoulders as the exterminator packed his things.

Poor girls, thought the exterminator.

- Originally mailed to A. Perkins of New Orleans, Louisiana