DUI Fawns

To the surprise of absolutely no one at all, fawns and satyrs loved to drink. They weened their children on wine, poured bourbon into their cereal, and celebrated literally every occasion down to the opening of a door with a libatious toast. Small wonder, then, that there were so many drunk driving incidents each year involving these mythical men and women. Police had a hard time doing much enforcement, however, as their unique biologies made Breathalyzers unreliable and they were experts at every example of proving sobriety while utterly sloshed. They could walk in straight lines, do acrobatics, say their alphabet backwards and forwards, even rub their heads and pat their shoulders at the same time. Still, the highway patrol repeatedly posted soaring numbers of fawn related deaths each year. ATF statistics likewise indicated the average satyr consumed two point three gallons of alcohol per day. Despite all of this, police couldn't prove on site that the creatures were intoxicated behind the wheel, and to arrest any who operated a motor vehicle on suspicion would be racial profiling. To help curb the problem, police stations all across the country began receiving statues of fawns engaging in “sobriety-proving” activities with statistics about their drinking habits, and a reminder that even if they couldn't be charged with a DUI, they could always be arrested for reckless driving.

- Originally mailed to C. Merritt of Juneau, Alaska