Getting Rid of Fairies

Terrance's bathroom had a serious fairy infestation. He couldn't turn on the lights without seeing them flock to the mirror to primp and preen and admire their wings. They would take the caps off of his toothpaste to use as cups. They would destroy his cotton swabs to make dapper walking canes, even though they rarely walked. They would hack his wash clothes and hand towels to ribbons to make dresses and they would use his lotions to, well, to moisturize their skin, which wasn't weird so much as annoying, because that lotion was his, darn it. He considered hiring the Ghostbusters to deal with his infestation, but the cost of supernatural pest removal, even pint sized sprites like these pixies was cost prohibitive on his retail cashier salary. Thinking himself a clever man, he fashioned a “Protected by Ghostbusters” sign and ensured their commercials ran continually throughout the day to discourage the tiny menaces. His plan failed miserably, however, because it hinged upon one tiny logical flaw, one reasonable assumption that as it turned out was completely false. He assumed if he put up the warning sign and played the commercials, they would be fearful and leave, but he assumed wrong. What he should have assumed when dealing with fairies is that they do not care in the least about anything he does.

- Originally mailed to A. Perkins in Metarie, Louisiana

DUI Fawns

To the surprise of absolutely no one at all, fawns and satyrs loved to drink. They weened their children on wine, poured bourbon into their cereal, and celebrated literally every occasion down to the opening of a door with a libatious toast. Small wonder, then, that there were so many drunk driving incidents each year involving these mythical men and women. Police had a hard time doing much enforcement, however, as their unique biologies made Breathalyzers unreliable and they were experts at every example of proving sobriety while utterly sloshed. They could walk in straight lines, do acrobatics, say their alphabet backwards and forwards, even rub their heads and pat their shoulders at the same time. Still, the highway patrol repeatedly posted soaring numbers of fawn related deaths each year. ATF statistics likewise indicated the average satyr consumed two point three gallons of alcohol per day. Despite all of this, police couldn't prove on site that the creatures were intoxicated behind the wheel, and to arrest any who operated a motor vehicle on suspicion would be racial profiling. To help curb the problem, police stations all across the country began receiving statues of fawns engaging in “sobriety-proving” activities with statistics about their drinking habits, and a reminder that even if they couldn't be charged with a DUI, they could always be arrested for reckless driving.

- Originally mailed to C. Merritt of Juneau, Alaska

The Trespassing Mermaid

The Greenleaf Apartments had decent units and lovely grounds, but had a hard time getting its name out there, and thus suffered financially. That's when Darcy O'Shea had a brilliant idea. They had a well maintained olympic sized pool that no one swam in. If they could get a mermaid to take up residence, everyone would want a Greenleaf 2BR/2BA. Darcy changed the water system from chlorine to sea salt. He filled it with fish that mermaids were wont to eat, and then stocked the shallow end with all manner of shells, seaweed, and pearls so that whoever moved in could fashion any sort of wardrobe imaginable. It only took two weeks before Darcy heard the telltale splash and saw the redhaired sea-she swimming about, enjoying the bounty he had prepared for her. Luring her in, however, was only the first step, for now he needed a way to keep her there. Others suggested bars or shackles, but Darcy, being a touch more considerate and ever mindful of mermaids' respect for rules, simply placed a “No Trespassing” sign by the gate leading out of the pool area, knowing the mermaid would be too polite to cross the fence.

- Originally mailed to C. Stover in Ocean Springs, Mississippi