The Gathering Storm

The twelfth annual The Gathering Storm, a convention for clouds, took place on the weekend of July 27th-29th in Oxbow, Nebraska. It allowed the various clouds of the world to gather, share news and gossip, swap job techniques, and generally socialize outside of the office. The convention began with the president's Harrison B. Nimbus's oft-quoted “Clouds: Above It All” keynote speech, in which he asked his vaporous brethren to take pride in all they do for the planet. Afterward, the clouds attended the seminars on topics such as when to rain (“The Grass Is Long, Looks Like Rain,” “Parades: A How-To,” and “Withholding Affection: Why We Drought”), panels on how to rain (“California: Just Pour,” “Attracting Water Vapour: A Growth Roundtable,” and “Gradual Intensity: How Sprinkling in the Morning Means More Drenched People in the Afternoon”), and the seldom attended lectures on where to rain (“Farmland Needs You!” and “Hurricanes: How to Choose a Strikezone BEFORE the Last Minute”). The the weekend ended with a mixer, which like most cloud mixers, had a lot of shouting, turned into a pissing match, and ended with everyone storming off.

- Originally mailed to H. Ainsworth from Gulfport, MS

Instructions Innovator

Harrison Traxler shook up the instruction writing industry with his innovative One Step philosophy. “Who has time to follow a whole page worth of instructions?” he would ask, and his protégées would cry out “No one!” Early in his career, he struggled with his own theory, often creating complex, rambling sentences, struggling to make each detail fit within one step. Even his early successes, including “favor to taste” and “cook until done” often required a second step or at least a few more ideas crammed up next to his diamonds in the rough. It wasn't until his Exxon Pump Operations commission that he really hit his stride. Soon, he was churning out dozens of one step instructions a day. Under his guidance, Alcoholics Anonymous reduced their twelve step program to one step, “Stop drinking,” and Ikea saved a fortune every year in manufacturing costs by simply printing large on the side of each box, “1. Assemble the pieces properly.”

Not all success can last, however, and soon, one of his own pupils would simplify Traxler's process even further and steal his glory with the One Word instructional paradigm. Ikea boxes simply said “Assemble,” and TV dinners “Microwave.” The Ten Commandments became “Don't” and students spent thousands of dollars to listen to professors say “Study.” Traxler never rediscovered the success of his youth, and died penniless and alone, still developing his One Letter philosophy. By the end, all he produced was “Y?”

- Originally mailed to P. Brown in Clovis, New Mexico

Boot Country

Boot Country, a sovereign nation located in the southern US, always struggled to get the recognition they felt they deserved on any sort of international level. With a population of only seven (fifteen seasonal) and an economy based on solely on cowboy boots, the country shouldn't have been surprised with the United Nations turned down their request to join. The UN questioned their very existence as a country. They imported literally everything, including their utilities and the boots they sold. They didn't even create the products the exported. The entire population except for the nation's president and the first lady were actually people with dual citizenship, living in the United States but working in Boot Country. The UN also accused them of being a sham democracy, claiming to engage in free and fair elections, but only allowing the president and his family to vote. Their counter argument, that the other five citizens only lived in the nation forty hours a week and thus didn't meet residency requirements, was shot down by human rights groups as an effort to “disenfranchise the masses and avoid giving employees health insurance.” Boot Country had no response to this accusation except to install a first aid kit in the break room commonwealth.

- Originally mailed to P. Goff in Madison, Mississippi