Tin Men

Once a beloved but clumsy wood cutter, the Tin Man had become a monster since he took control of the forest in a bloody coup. People dreaded the coming of his “justice” which fell upon them as quickly as the blade of his axe. He was a heartless tyrant who cared nothing for his subjects. There were attempts to overthrow him, but most weapons the poor peasants could fashion deflected effortlessly off his metal body, and they learned soon enough that the few that could puncture his iron hyde did nothing, for the Tin Man was as hollow as he was heartless, a foul ghost trapped in an empty metal suit. So great a dissatisfaction cannot go unaddressed, however, and though they dared not speak their thoughts aloud for fear of his axe and they could no more assassinate him than change his mind, they resorted to an anonymous protest, crafting men of tin cans and leaving them hanging from the trees of the forest and the poles in town.

- Originally mailed to J. Cox of New Orleans, Louisiana

The Shopping Demon

Oh the ridicule Beelzebub endured every year come late December when he haunted the halls of the uptown mall, searching for the best deals on clothes and shoes and sunglasses. The other denizens of the infernal pits would torment him for this (verbally, of course, not the blades and fire and acid sort of torment reserved for their day jobs, because who wants to take their work home for them?). Not that they had a problem with shopping. No, demons loved the infatuation people had for mindless consumption and consumerism. It was like gluttony and greed and pride and avarice all rolled into one, and on Black Friday, they could even squeeze in a little wrath. Few activities aside from genocide and DVRing Jersey Shore* could be so evil. No, they teased him for going to Christmas sales.

“I'm just shopping to over commercialize the religious holiday. Just trying to undermine the message of goodness and generosity and care for one's fellow man by spreading the enthusiasm for rampant selfishness.”

But they knew the truth. He was an amazing demon, but his shopping addiction had nothing to do with it. Sometimes a demon just wanted a stylish suit.

*Jersey Shore may not seem so evil, but it is actually a lynchpin in one of the more diabolical and secretive of Hell's nefarious schemes too complex to discuss in this post card. 

Originally mailed to M. Wilkes in Ridgeland, Mississippi

Evil Balloons

 

Though most would scoff at the idea, birthday clowns and magicians and every sort of professional party goer will shudder and share their own harrowing experiences in hushed tones at the mention of evil balloons. Their tales cover the whole gamut, from balloons that maliciously pop right as the birthday boy is blowing out his candles, startling him and depriving him of his yearly wish, to those that cling to the body and refuse to let go no matter how much you shake. They recount tales of horror in which one high and mighty balloon holds an entire room of adults under its command, filling them with fear at the thought of letting him touch the ground. One clown told of a balloon that followed him after a party, gunned down his partner, and stole his car. 

Spotting these evil balloons is not easy, if reports are to be believed. An evil unmarked balloon and a wholesome, American-loving unmarked balloon look the same. One could watch their behaviors. Does this balloon stick to me? Does it burst at inopportune times? Unfortunately by the time one has identified the evil balloon, it as already struck. The best method is to draw faces on all balloons. Evil balloons revel in their evil, and will entice you draw an evil face. Once identified, your only course of action if you wish to preserve the lives of those around you is to leave the building, seal the doors, and burn the place to ashes.

- Originally mailed to B. Bowser from Brandon, Mississippi